"Happiness is anyone and anything that's loved by you."

I've recently discovered a new and unexpected kind of torture: the eternal crush.  Unlike run of the mill attraction, this is not someone for which you actively pine.  Rather, this person is a neutral in your mind until you somehow become reminded of past feelings.  A swift jog of the memory sets off an Alkaseltzer-like reaction and you are dissolved by a combination of rekindled longing and confusion over the lasting emotion. 

Yes, there is a boy that does this to me and I've felt the same way about him since I was 16.  I'd like to point out that my affection for him doesn't paralyze my emotions; the pudding proof is that I've been madly in love with someone else since I met him.  Here's the (slightly embarrassing) thing: This boy and I have never actually dated...we haven't even kissed. If I followed the "He's Just Not That Into You" school of thought, I would have written him off a long time ago.  Still, I flatter myself that my feelings for him are more than unrequited love, perhaps because I'm too proud to admit that this enchantment is not reciprocal. 

After a long stretch of no contact, he and I have started speaking regularly.  The good news is that I'm not putty when I see his name on my caller ID.  Through physical and mental distance, I've gained some perspective that makes things a bit easier.  For many years, I truly idealized him; he was a house upon a hill to me.  With time I've been able to find notches in his wood and imperfections in his construction, but somehow, these topical flaws do nothing to detract from the greater truth of who he is.  While I am no longer consumed by a desire to impress him, I still find him to be 100% amazing.

I understand that significant barriers will always prevent us from coupling.  Yet no matter how many things I "know," I still get anxious when we speak, wondering if he'll be brave enough to address the underlying tensions we both dance around.  Sometimes I sigh as I secretly dream that he'll fly to DC and pepper me with kisses. Yet more often, I smile, mesmerized by the promise of finding someone new who will inspire the same emotion without the nagging uncertainty.

A toast to Charlie Brown and whoever comes after the little red-headed girl.